Almost Lover

Hey. How are you? I’m fine, or at least trying to be, but I am just a little lost. I know we said our last goodbye yesterday, but somewhere between me and myself, there are still images of you. And once again I’ve come to realize that you’re the loss I can’t replace. I’m not a clingy person, but 3 years are long enough for the memories to be carved deeply in this heart. I tried not to think about it, but couldn’t still the voice inside of me that keeps calling your name. It’s that voice that used to keep my head held high day after day. It’s that voice that used to teach me how to live right and act right. And now, it’s that voice that wakes me up multiple times during the night…

I’ve spent many sleepless nights thinking about you, about what we had, or at least what I thought we had. You know, I have a personal journal which I name “Happy Moment,” filled with pictures of the two of us. I have the songs you sang recorded, your voice and many of your pictures carefully saved for someday I shall look back. But as I am taking them out from deep down my heart, it isn’t the feeling I had expected. It feels like I’m holding some beautiful piece of glass, too strongly that it splinters into million pieces working its way to my bleeding hand. Yet I still value it. Still holding on to it…

What they say is true. Rose gardens ARE really filled with thorns, yet I find myself here bleeding stepping through the gardens, looking for those beautiful rose petals that once may or may not exist… It feels like I’m lost in a place I have been to so many times, a place of which, for sure in my memory, I know every corner. But, the more I am trying to move forward to look for my way out, the more it hurts. What appears to be visible at the end of the road keeps fading out as I’m trying to reach it. I stumble down. I can see myself bleeding, but I can’t feel the pain. Do I really know this place? I don’t know, I really don’t know any more…

All the good things in life will have to come to an end sometime, and what matters, I guess, is what left on road we have been through together. Was I happy? Yes, I was. Very much. It feels like I was living in my own fairytale with you by my side. But were you? You have that strong wall built around you that doesn’t let anyone to come in easily. And just as anyone else who tries to enter your corner, I got burned. I know you were not always happy. I know I upset you, though I never, never ever wanted to. I do regret not being able to keep you happy. I do regret not being able bring that smile to your face more often. Your smile, do you know, it is priceless. It’s the first time in my life I learn how to value something so simple. But at least now, as painful as it gets, someone else can help me do it, and do it better.

Out of what we’ve been through, I just wish you had taught me more. You taught me to remember, but didn’t teach me how to forget. You taught me how to build those beautiful blocks of memories, but didn’t tell me that, as I am watching them collapsing helplessly, I would need more than just myself to ever build them again. You taught me to paint rainbow and nostalgic pictures of us, but didn’t tell me they wouldn’t last forever. As I am standing here seeing the colors of the two of us fading to gray, I know I’ve lost you.

Remember the time when I told you I truly wanted to see you smile happily just like you did with your ex in the picture I found, even if I was not a part of your happiness? I meant it, and still mean it. You might not know, but seeing you happy can lighten up someone’s darkest corner. At least now, I know that somewhere in this city, you’ll be seeing your true definition of merry, and that someone will give you the things I haven’t been able to. It isn’t easy, but it’s the pain I’m willing to take. Without me, please promise to keep your partner happy also, will you? Without me, please speak your mind when it hurts, or when you are not satisfied with anything. Guessing around isn’t a guy’s strength. And without me, please smile more, and be more happy. Please.

But hey, I promise, I will try. I will try to fold us into a corner of my heart. I will try to bury the memories with you deep down the part of my heart which you have taken. I know I can’t mend it, but I will try to cover it. The road without you will now be much longer, and I hope I’m not beaten down too badly when you’re not around. There are many habits that I will have to gradually get rid of, but for your having been such a big factor in my life, I know it won’t be easy. They say time heals, and my only hope now is to wait for that miracle to bring my broken pieces into one whole, again…