I Am Not Okay

Why is it so damn hard for me to open up to people?

Sometimes I see people sharing things deep down from their heart, pouring out their hearts with their innermost thoughts and feelings with ease and a part of me just wants to be like them. To be like them again, to feel that sense of liberation that comes with vulnerability…

Is it simply the fear of getting hurt that holds me back?

As a person, I am strong willed and confident. There aren’t many things in this world that can break me. Unless, of course, I let someone in. Like, properly in, so deeply that they get to see a side of me that very little of the world ever glimpses.

And throughout my life, there have been very, very few people who have gotten under my skin. For those who have though, well, they really got under my skin; and it scared me. The second I let someone in, I don’t know what is going to happen; except that all of a sudden, I’m dependent on them. I feel as though I need them in my life, and that feeling of being controlled unconditionally sucks.

I have always thought that it was me who decided to change my life when I met people, but I don’t think that’s right any more. As soon as I open up enough to the people I meet, they have the power to touch my life and change everything forever. I let them in, tell them secrets, confide in them. “What are your deepest fears?” “What do you want in life?” “Why did you past relationships not work?”

I don’t give them bullshit answers or empty words, it’s all real. I trust them, enough that when they want to, they can just take away a piece of me. When it happens, I no longer have that special connection or shoulders to lean on, and they no longer want or need me. It’s sad, and that’s what hurts the most…

I’m still on my journey to find someone who I can open up to…