Moving On

I found a note deep inside my old drive somewhere. This is my conversation with someone who practically saved my emotional self when I broke up with my ex of 3 years. I’m leaving it here as a reminder to myself that anything, with time, will get better.

The so called “girl” in this conversation is my ex-boyfriend.

What happens with your life love em?
*happened

Em bị emotionally unstable quá. Circle of friends của em lại không nhiều, em không biết đi nói với ai nữa.

I’ve been very emotionally unstable. My circle of friends is not that big, so I don’t know who to share this with.

Sao vay cung?
Em biet chi cũng từng bi vay roi nen chi chac chan se hiểu em ma

What’s going on, sweetie?
You know I have been through it, so I certainly will understand you.

So I dated this girl for more than 3 years. Since 09/23/2012…
Everything was fine. Everything was great.

Okay rồi sao cung?

Okay, what happens next sweetie?

But she wasn’t completely happy recently.
I could tell by the way she talked and all.
She kept giving me hints that she needed space, something like that.
But everything screwed up when she met a friend of mine.
The first day, I could clearly see that she liked him. Like, I could tell by the way she smiled, it’s the smile that I couldn’t mistake.
But they didn’t know each other, of course.
I was the only connection between them.

And you know what? I decided to make more chances for them to meet, knowing that someday they will stick together…
But, I couldn’t resist the happiness on her face when 3 of us were together..

Is this where I think it’s going?

She displayed specific behaviors that she had when she first dated me. The smile. The talk. The phrases she used.
I knew it, but I didn’t stop it.
She had always hidden all her relationships from me, though.
She is like a crystal inside a very strong fortress. I have to get through those walls to know what she really thinks. She did tell me that dating her wouldn’t be easy, but I shrugged it off.

So she went behind your back to talk to your best friend?

Sort of, though she did try to maintain our relationship.
I knew it too.
That’s the thing. I knew it, but I was too confusing to do anything about it.
I had to ask her, face to face, in a very calm manner.
It took me half an hour to eventually get her to admit that he was dating the guy.
I understood why she did that.
If she wasn’t happy in the relationship, she would find a way out.
I pushed everything this far, for both my friend and her, just because I love her.
But now, I have to admit I am not that brave. I’m just stupid.

Are you still friends with him?

The thing is, he doesn’t know.

What do you mean he doesn’t know?

We don’t go out and talk about our relationship.
He didn’t know she used to date me.
Before everything was too late.
I did text him after we broke up, ask him to take care of her and not to lose her the way I did.

Wait, so you dated this girl for 3 years and no one knew about it except you two?

Well, where I work, they know.
A few friends of mine knew.
I told you, I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a few friends.

Truong, I admire what you did. However, you really shouldn’t have done it!

I was torn apart. I missed her smile so badly, that I thought it would be better for her to be with the one who she loves being around.
And they clicked.
Now I’m the only one that’s hurt.
You know that feeling when it becomes a habit, you come home after work, waiting for her to come back home, seeing her smile?
Now it’s just me and the empty room. Nothing is worth coming home for. Nothing is worth waiting for anymore.

Em, there is always someone hurting when the relationship ends! And because you were so kind and generous with your love, you will be hurt more
But having been there and feeling my world torn apart, I can tell you this
The reason they did what they did was not because of you or your love
It was because they were too selfish and coward to end the relationship before moving on
You might not believe me right now, but trust me, you will when some time has passed

She did give me hints about her wanting me to move forward with another person. She never talked to me face to face though.

You shouldn’t have sacrificed your own well-being for anyone. Even if that’s the person you love with all your heart

I didn’t know if it was my fault or not.

Because that means you give them control to destroy you once they leave
NO EM! ITS NEVER YOUR FAULT!
She was not courageous enough To tell you that
And with mine and your situation, they didn’t even respect us enough to end the relationship
Don’t blame yourself! I know it’s hard not to do it now
But you’ll realize it eventually
We both gave our hearts to the wrong person. Because If they did love us, they will never want to hurt us
You’ll learn and grow from this Truong! You might think you’ll never be able to love again

You know what I’ve been doing? I was getting on those dating apps in hope of finding a rebound. It was too difficult to deal with, and my mind keeps rewinding the memories we had…
That’s exactly what I’m feeling.
I don’t think I could start a new relationship again.

But you don’t have to love anyone to be happy. Love yourself and be happy with who you are first!

I let her in too deeply, that when I feel torn apart, there is nothing I could do.

Me too! Do not find a rebound!

Nothing.

That’s not healthy for you and unfair for the person who comes next
Em, I was with Ngan for 7 years – I know how it feels
I was there last year Truong

Yes, I remembered.
*remember.

I never want to wish this on anyone, but I can tell you this
After this experience, you’ll change
You’ll become more guarded and you’ll be cynical about love
You won’t trust anyone so easily and you won’t want to love again
But what I can you tell is: work on yourself. Do the thing you do or do the things you have never done before
For me, I started working out like crazy and just study and hanging out with family and friends
I didn’t have any gap in my schedule
There were 2 months of sleepless nights and very little eating
But with family’s help, I pushed myself to get out the house
There were many times I was in the gym and started crying for no reason
I did that for a long time. But as time passes, you will remember her less and less everyday
Then there is one day that you won’t even remember her at all, not even once
You’ll get there. But all you need is: TIME AND FORGIVENESS.
Forgive yourself first for why you did what you did. You did it out of love. It might have been a mistake but it was also a learning experience
Stop wondering why. Because they don’t even know the answer themselves!
Of course they will be blasting their stuff on social media or to friends. But try not to learn about them

Wow. It’s like you are in my shoes. I still check their Facebook every day…

It’s hard to do as I did stalked them initially. But make a promise to yourself: you’ll be selfish during this time to only worry about you and your well-being
Em, trust me, I did what everyone did and you’ll do the same
CUT EVERY CONTACT that has something to do with her. Even throwing away her presents!

There are a few things I am trying to find the proper way to handle.
I still keep her presents…

I know, you’ll be feeling that for a while
If you want to keep her present, put it away in a box. Only open it once you are ready emotionally

And what crazier is, everywhere I go, she is there. We went hiking together. I introduced her to my favorite restaurants.
And all of that.

Soon, you’ll no longer associate it with her

So when I drive home everyday from work, when I see the mountains and the sun, I couldn’t help but going back to square one, missing her.
That’s a stupid feeling.
But I can’t control it.

I know em! Knowing Ngan taking that girl to my fav restaurant has killed me. But try to remember this: they won’t stop their lives because you are hurting. They do this fully knowing you’ll be hurt
Don’t control it. Learn to accept it. Allow yourself to feel what you feel

Do you think I should stay in touch with my friend after this?

No em! For the time being, do not stay in touch with him
You’ll be curious how she is doing blah blah blah
Anything that has to do with her, cut it out
I advise you to stay off social media and get a new number

That’s a really harsh decision, to lose both emotional support in one cut.

It might be too dramatic but they are the things helped me
Em, trust me! Staying in touch with his family didn’t help me but was a constant reminder of him
It’s not like you cut them out forever. You need time. Or at least that’s what worked for me
Come back to him when you’re ready – when you see her just as a person and no feelings attached
It took me more than 1.5 years but I’m really happy where I’m at now Truong
Because of what I went through, I was able to go to school, enjoy myself and become much more social. I made a lot of new friends in the process too
You’ll be where I am today. I believe in you!
I actually forgave him! I told him that. Not because of him but because of myself
The minute you realize you are no longer interested in their life and you don’t care what she is doing or how she is, you are over her
I didn’t want to invest my feelings into someone who didn’t appreciate me

This Friday, the place where she & I worked will hold a New Year party. I go there every year with her. But this year, she will bring my friend in, and I am sure everyone will have questions.

So I forgave him. And I forgave myself in the process.

Because she and I were together every time we showed up.
Now they will look at her differently.
Just like they will do to me.

Em, Ngan has brought his girlfriend to Khang’s bday party when we freshly parted ways

What should I do? Not going?

They kissed and acted like they were newly married in front of me and everyone, including my friend’s family
No YOU GOO! I was crying whether I should have gone
But seeing how they are in front of my eyes, it’s like a direct stab in the heart and I hurt so much that I wanted to forget

That’s the vision I have in my mind.

You need to see them! So that you won’t have to run away from them forever
We have done nothing wrong! Be there, and be hurt. So everytime  you remember her, you’ll remember how she is WITH the new guy
Khang told me to go. I did and I was bawling after getting home
But seeing them made me realize there is no going back

I don’t know if I will be able to handle it, seeing her being all romantic with her new boyfriend, just the same exact way she did when we just dated.

Em, you are much stronger than you think You are!
I was there. I was broken inside with my heart in million pieces
But how did it help me? I made me realize how much of an asshole he is. When he didn’t even respect me enough to keep his hands of her

So I’ll just have to take that stab?

But what can you do when they already love someone else? Well I found my answer: STOP pursuing them and give that damaged  product to someone who is in more need
Yes em! I think it’ll help you in the long run
It’ll be the reason why you stop pursuing her. You’ll miss her after it, like crazy
But you’ll remember the pain very vividly everytime you want to stalk her
Someone once told me, “you have to feel the hurt before you feel the joy”
I didn’t agree with her. In fact, I despised her for saying it
But now I know what she meant
I’m not completely ready to date again. But I learn to open up and give someone else a chance
Let’s meet up next week em?

Yeah. I need to get rid of my free time. The more the better. But what happens if someone else out there wanted to date me? Should I go with it?
You know, I put my profile online already, and there are a lot of messages. From the bottom of my heart, though, I know that all of the reasons I’m doing this is because I want to use someone else as a blanket to cover her image.
I know it is wrong, when I say it out like this.

No I understand how you feel as I wanted to do that!
But it’ll be just temporary of feeling satisfied em
You’ll feel even more empty after it as you’ll keep comparing her to everyone else
Give me your #, let’s meet up. I have something going on this weekend
But how about next week?

(giving her my number and discuss next week meeting)

I’ll gather all my courage and try to be at the party with them going as couple this Friday.
Hopefully I won’t be affected too badly for the next day at work.

You can do it em!!! Message me after you go to the party
Just message me and I’ll reply as soon as I got it
Trust me, work is your friend right now! Do it even if you don’t want to
Try to do it little by little. Let yourself rest and think whenever you want to quit
Think of the people who love you and care for you whenever you are feeling depressed

I will hang in there while I can. Just, if I can’t have enough courage to go to the party, can I just cut off everything?
I’m a coward after all of this.
I can feel it.
It changed me.
I hope I will be able to find a shortcut to be where you’re at right now.

YES!! you do whatever you need to help yourself
Deactivate Facebook. It’s doable em
I got so used to not using it and now it feels weird

I will chi.
Thank you so much, really. I do feel much better now.
I hope I will be able to find a shortcut to be where you’re at right now.

No em. No shortcut can help. I used to wish If I can take a pill to brainwash myself
But it takes time be
Let’s text em